CIVILISE THE CITY

A gentle protest against vulgarity commencing at 8.30 am on Thursday 16th October 2003, departing from the statue of Oscar Wilde, Adelaide Street, London WC2.

Society is teetering on the edge of a precipice overlooking a dark chasm – a darkness where the only affordable footstuffs are hamburgers and pizzas; a darkness where ‘a cup of tea’ is in reality an overpriced cardboard beaker of tea-flavoured hot water; a darkness where every citizen wears a meaningless outfit of faux-sportif clothing made in third-world sweatshops – in short, it is a darkness in which Chappist qualities such as common courtesy, eccentricity and civility have no place.

We propose to take a stand against this culture of vulgarity. On Thursday 16th October 2003, we shall politely disrupt the status quo by gently pointing out the error of its ways. Our methods will be stealth, civility and charm, our targets the symbols of corporate banality: fast food emporia, coffee shops, sportswear purveyors and lager shebeens. We also aim to provide gentlemanly assistance to those citizens whom we feel have lost their way in the quagmires of solipsism that our cities have become. Civilise the City will commence at 8.30 am at the statue of Oscar Wilde on Adelaide Street, London WC2. We urge participants to protest in the following manner:

• Enter the purveyors of ‘fast food’ and request a table for two with “a pleasant view,” then order a breakfast of devilled kidneys, kedgeree and eggs Benedict.
  
  
• In a high-street coffee chain which offers tea on its menu, ask for a pot of lapsang souchong, a cup and saucer and some toast with Gentleman’s Relish.
  
  
• In the premises of Mr Nike, ask to be measured for a suit by the head cutter.
  
  
• Offer passing gentlemen exquisite buttonholes for their lapels.
  
  
• In the type of high street hostelry that has a bouncer on the door, order a Pousse Café (the yolk of one fresh egg, 1/6 gill of yellow Chartreuse, 1/6 gill of Eau de Vie de Danzig, or Danziger Goldwasser).
  
  
• Enter an ophthalmic optician and ask to see the monocle selection.
  
  
• Offer to escort ladies across the road and assist them with their luggage.
  
  
• In a communications outlet, attempt to ‘upgrade’ a perfectly good Royal Exchange telephone to a mobile telephone.
  
  
• Enter an establishment offering “Internet chat rooms” and try to engage someone in conversation.
  
  
• Offer “gentlemen of the road” (hobos) not money – which they might spend on food – but a nip of cognac from your hip flask.