That’s right, that Yuletide cheer you’re spreading? Those “Christmas” traditions? They’re not just like Pagan rituals, they fucking are Pagan rituals. Yule? It’s the holiday celebrating the rebirth of the Sun god Mithra in . . . guess when? Go on – guess. Late December. What a weird coincidence. Practically the whole thing is ripped off from the fucking Druids. Twelve days? Check. Exchanging gifts? Check. Mistletoe? Check. And you’d better fucking believe that those decorated trees that Gibson and Co. are so bent out of shape over are as Pagan as the Rune and Crystal Shack at Pentagramfest 2005. You might as well be building miniature fucking Stonehenges in your den.

And don’t you read your own goddamn Bibles? Jesus was born when? In the middle of winter? Lot of Shepherds out watching their flocks around that time of year in Bethlehem? No, because they’d be freezing their fucking asses off. Tell you what – y’all go figure out which one of the different Bible stories about the birth of Baby Jesus® you want to believe, and then we’ll argue about whether it fucking happened like that or not.