Rites that go wrong.

An entertaining article on the occasional pitfalls of Satanic black magic.

Happy Saturnalia to All Our Reader(s)

'Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la la la la la.

Yes, 'tis. Don't give me that look.

My colleague provides the following links, but is too busy with "other projects" to post them himself. People with lives - what egotists.

First up, the one you've all seen:

What a Crappy Present

CDs make Bad Gifts for Kids!

Someone who feels close to you is worried, and sending this email was the only way they knew how to reach out. So please, in the spirit of the holiday season, take just a few moments to reflect on whether or not you're planning to give a crappy present to a loved one.

And here's some examples of why you should:

Show and Tell Music

Hello and welcome to Show and Tell, a site that serves as sort of an orphanage for thrift store music and album cover art.

Pip Pip the Naughty Chicken

Here's a cute little Happy Home series 45 telling the story of Pip Pip, a young chicken who wouldn't obey.

And ends up burning in Hell for all Eternity with Satan and all of Satan's disciples.

It's cute.

Sound Effects - U.S. Air Force Firepower

Here's an entire album's worth of bombs exploding, jet planes zooming, big guns blasting, etc. All proudly presented by the U.S. Air Force.

These paltry examples give little indication of the glorious treasure trove on offer. The man who compiled this site is a saint, and should be remembered in all your prayers. If nothing else, the wide variety of Christian records featured reminds us why we should proudly celebrate the true spirit of this festive season, the multimillenia-old pagan tradition commemorating the Winter Solstice, rather than give up our trees, gifts, feasting and drunken revels for the drab and misdated anniversary of some obscure, johnny-come-lately Judean sect. Speaking of which:

A Very Scary Solstice

In 1988 the H. P. Lovecraft Historical Society published its first collection of holiday songs rewritten to include the dark forces lurking at the boundaries of perception. This year we expanded the collection to a full twenty-five numbers.

This isn't one of them. This is one of mine.

Weird sounds ring, are you listening?
In the pit, skin is glistening.
A mind-searing sight,
we're raving tonight,
crawling in a howling fractured land.

Happy Holidays, you slithering terrors!

Time to get web-religious again.

The Abston Church of Christ

This picture was taken from the top of one of the mosaics looking back at the nave. There were 622 minifigs in attendance at this service, and the church was less than half full.

Wow. No, seriously, you must click that link and see this thing right now.

Man calls cops about cannabis theft, is arrested himself

An Adelaide man called police when he found intruders breaking into his home to steal his cannabis crop, and ended up being charged himself, police said.

...

He was later charged with cultivating 16 cannabis plants.

"He was calling from underneath his bed," a police spokesman was reported as saying. "I don't know what he was thinking. Perhaps he was smoking too much of his own product."

Yes, very funny, officer. I would have thought coppers from the shallow bush grave capital of Australia had better things to do with their time.

Artificial Skunk Scent Used to Deter Crime

One day in May, the deputies took several small $15 tubes of SkunkShot and spread them around the building, which they had just cleared of the drug users and prostitutes. Several hours later, Lieutenant Mathers was amazed to find no one there.

Strangely, my mind is now full of visions of trained skunks pursuing the homeless out of city limits while their handler cackles "Chase them, my pretties, chase them!"

So no change there.

Ozzy Osbourne a victim of over-prescription

Week after week, people watching the hit reality TV series The Osbournes saw the star in a perpetual stupor...

The sight of the ageing rocker staggering around his mansion, glassy-eyed and mumbling, became a staple of the series, but Osbourne's disorientation was never explained.

It turns out he was on Valium - and Dexedrine, Mysoline, Adderall and a host of other powerful medications. They were all prescribed by a Beverly Hills doctor who, unknown to Osbourne, was being investigated for overprescribing drugs to other celebrity patients.

Prescription records show that David Kipper had Osbourne on an array of potent drugs - opiates, tranquillisers, amphetamines, antidepressants, and an antipsychotic. The singer said he took as many as 42 pills a day.

42 pills a day, eh? Of course, you'd need to be medically qualified to realise that was over-prescription.

Osbourne saw a Boston specialist. "He asked me, 'Where are you getting all these pills from?' Then he just threw everything in the trash."

At his mansion in October, Osbourne spoke and walked normally, showing no hesitation or confusion as he had on The Osbournes.

Sounds like "jumped the shark" to me.

Full story at LA Times (needs free registration).

KKK member shoots sky, misses

JOHNSON CITY, Tenn. (AP) — A bullet fired in the air during a Ku Klux Klan initiation ceremony came down and struck a participant in the head, critically injuring him, authorities said.

...

About 10 people, including two children, had gathered for the ceremony. The man who was being initiated was blindfolded, tied with a noose to a tree and shot with paintball guns as Freeman fired a pistol in the air to provide the sound of real gunfire, Sheriff Fred Phillips said.

A bullet struck Murr on the top of the head and exited at the bottom of his skull, authorities said...

... so no brain damage then.

Oh, come on, Fletch, that's just mean.