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24 Dec 2003
Rites that go wrong.
An entertaining article on the occasional pitfalls of Satanic black magic.
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Happy Saturnalia to All Our Reader(s)'Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la la la la la. Yes, 'tis. Don't give me that look. My colleague provides the following links, but is too busy with "other projects" to post them himself. People with lives - what egotists. First up, the one you've all seen: What a Crappy PresentCDs make Bad Gifts for Kids!
Someone who feels close to you is worried, and sending this email was the only way they knew how to reach out. So please, in the spirit of the holiday season, take just a few moments to reflect on whether or not you're planning to give a crappy present to a loved one. And here's some examples of why you should: Show and Tell MusicHello and welcome to Show and Tell, a site that serves as sort of an orphanage for thrift store music and album cover art.
Pip Pip the Naughty Chicken
Here's a cute little Happy Home series 45 telling the story of Pip Pip, a young chicken who wouldn't obey.
And ends up burning in Hell for all Eternity with Satan and all of Satan's disciples.
It's cute.
Sound Effects - U.S. Air Force Firepower
Here's an entire album's worth of bombs exploding, jet planes zooming, big guns blasting, etc. All proudly presented by the U.S. Air Force. These paltry examples give little indication of the glorious treasure trove on offer. The man who compiled this site is a saint, and should be remembered in all your prayers. If nothing else, the wide variety of Christian records featured reminds us why we should proudly celebrate the true spirit of this festive season, the multimillenia-old pagan tradition commemorating the Winter Solstice, rather than give up our trees, gifts, feasting and drunken revels for the drab and misdated anniversary of some obscure, johnny-come-lately Judean sect. Speaking of which: A Very Scary SolsticeIn 1988 the H. P. Lovecraft Historical Society published its first collection of holiday songs rewritten to include the dark forces lurking at the boundaries of perception. This year we expanded the collection to a full twenty-five numbers. This isn't one of them. This is one of mine. Weird sounds ring, are you listening?
In the pit, skin is glistening.
A mind-searing sight,
we're raving tonight,
crawling in a howling fractured land. Happy Holidays, you slithering terrors!
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17 Dec 2003
Time to get web-religious again.
The Abston Church of ChristThis picture was taken from the top of one of the mosaics looking back at the nave. There were 622 minifigs in attendance at this service, and the church was less than half full. Wow. No, seriously, you must click that link and see this thing right now.
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Man calls cops about cannabis theft, is arrested himselfAn Adelaide man called police when he found intruders breaking into his home to steal his cannabis crop, and ended up being charged himself, police said.
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He was later charged with cultivating 16 cannabis plants.
"He was calling from underneath his bed," a police spokesman was reported as saying. "I don't know what he was thinking. Perhaps he was smoking too much of his own product." Yes, very funny, officer. I would have thought coppers from the shallow bush grave capital of Australia had better things to do with their time.
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8 Dec 2003
Artificial Skunk Scent Used to Deter CrimeOne day in May, the deputies took several small $15 tubes of SkunkShot and spread them around the building, which they had just cleared of the drug users and prostitutes. Several hours later, Lieutenant Mathers was amazed to find no one there. Strangely, my mind is now full of visions of trained skunks pursuing the homeless out of city limits while their handler cackles "Chase them, my pretties, chase them!"
So no change there.
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Ozzy Osbourne a victim of over-prescriptionWeek after week, people watching the hit reality TV series The Osbournes saw the star in a perpetual stupor...
The sight of the ageing rocker staggering around his mansion, glassy-eyed and mumbling, became a staple of the series, but Osbourne's disorientation was never explained.
It turns out he was on Valium - and Dexedrine, Mysoline, Adderall and a host of other powerful medications. They were all prescribed by a Beverly Hills doctor who, unknown to Osbourne, was being investigated for overprescribing drugs to other celebrity patients.
Prescription records show that David Kipper had Osbourne on an array of potent drugs - opiates, tranquillisers, amphetamines, antidepressants, and an antipsychotic. The singer said he took as many as 42 pills a day. 42 pills a day, eh? Of course, you'd need to be medically qualified to realise that was over-prescription. Osbourne saw a Boston specialist. "He asked me, 'Where are you getting all these pills from?' Then he just threw everything in the trash."
At his mansion in October, Osbourne spoke and walked normally, showing no hesitation or confusion as he had on The Osbournes. Sounds like "jumped the shark" to me.
Full story at LA Times (needs free registration).
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1 Dec 2003
KKK member shoots sky, missesJOHNSON CITY, Tenn. (AP) — A bullet fired in the air during a Ku Klux Klan initiation ceremony came down and struck a participant in the head, critically injuring him, authorities said.
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About 10 people, including two children, had gathered for the ceremony. The man who was being initiated was blindfolded, tied with a noose to a tree and shot with paintball guns as Freeman fired a pistol in the air to provide the sound of real gunfire, Sheriff Fred Phillips said.
A bullet struck Murr on the top of the head and exited at the bottom of his skull, authorities said... ... so no brain damage then.
Oh, come on, Fletch, that's just mean.
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28 Oct 2003
Reality makes way for the Bush script"No camera crews have ever been granted this much access to this national security adviser," Oprah told her audience as she greeted her guest. A major scoop was not far behind. Is there anything you can tell us about the president that would surprise us? Oprah asked. Yes, Ms. Rice said, Mr. Bush is a very fast eater. "If you're not careful," she continued, "he'll be on dessert and you're still eating the salad." Japanese Bum-poking VideogameBuilt into the cabinet is a bent over backside, and on the screen in front of you appears the expression of the person as you shove the finger inside. The harder you shove the finger inside, the more points you score. Flame WarriorsStone Deaf is one of the few truly invincible Warriors because nothing can shatter his impenetrable armor of non recognition. His primitive battle strategy is maddening effective; he simply refuses to acknowledge any arguments he doesn't like. World Beard and Moustache ChampionshipsThe World Beard and Moustache Championships will take place in Carson City, Nevada, on November 1, 2003. A panel of distinguished judges will determine which beards and moustaches in seventeen separate categories merit their owners the championship trophies and the coveted world champion titles. Judge Raps Decision in Eminem CaseA Michigan judge has written a rap-inspired poem to explain why hip-hop superstar Eminem didn't take the rap for slander.
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"The lyrics are stories no one would take as fact/They're an exaggeration of a childish act," she wrote.
"Any reasonable person could clearly see/That the lyrics could only be hyperbole." Sorry, my mind's a blank.
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16 Oct 2003
MPs back Carr's go-home remark
Federal politicians from both sides backed NSW Premier Bob Carr's comments that migrants unwilling to live by Australian law should go home.
Mr Carr has attracted criticism for saying those responsible for this week's drive-by murders in Sydney should "obey the law of Australia or ship out of Australia".
The federal government and Muslim community groups said the premier's comments were divisive and fanned racism.
But federal Education Minister Brendan Nelson said average Australians did not like that kind of violence by anyone.
"None of us want to see this kind of violence, this kind of retribution," he told reporters.
"The message to people who want to engage in this sort of behaviour is that they should be subjected to the full force of the law.
"Anyone who thinks that they will be coming to Australia and want to bring that sort of behaviour with them, they would do well to listen to Mr Carr's remarks because that is what the average Australian thinks.
"It's this sort of behaviour that gets right up our nose." Too right. Doesn't Johnny Foreigner know that in Australia you follow Australian ways? Shoot your wife and kids, then shoot yourself. If murder-suicide is good enough for fair dinkum Aussies it's good enough for bloody immigrants!
Ooooooh! Satire!
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We need more extremists like these: CIVILISE THE CITY
A gentle protest against vulgarity commencing at 8.30 am on Thursday 16th October 2003, departing from the statue of Oscar Wilde, Adelaide Street, London WC2.
Society is teetering on the edge of a precipice overlooking a dark chasm – a darkness where the only affordable footstuffs are hamburgers and pizzas; a darkness where ‘a cup of tea’ is in reality an overpriced cardboard beaker of tea-flavoured hot water; a darkness where every citizen wears a meaningless outfit of faux-sportif clothing made in third-world sweatshops – in short, it is a darkness in which Chappist qualities such as common courtesy, eccentricity and civility have no place.
We propose to take a stand against this culture of vulgarity. On Thursday 16th October 2003, we shall politely disrupt the status quo by gently pointing out the error of its ways. Our methods will be stealth, civility and charm, our targets the symbols of corporate banality: fast food emporia, coffee shops, sportswear purveyors and lager shebeens. We also aim to provide gentlemanly assistance to those citizens whom we feel have lost their way in the quagmires of solipsism that our cities have become. Civilise the City will commence at 8.30 am at the statue of Oscar Wilde on Adelaide Street, London WC2. We urge participants to protest in the following manner:
- Enter the purveyors of ‘fast food’ and request a table for two with “a pleasant view,” then order a breakfast of devilled kidneys, kedgeree and eggs Benedict.
- In a high-street coffee chain which offers tea on its menu, ask for a pot of lapsang souchong, a cup and saucer and some toast with Gentleman’s Relish.
- In the premises of Mr Nike, ask to be measured for a suit by the head cutter.
- Offer passing gentlemen exquisite buttonholes for their lapels.
- In the type of high street hostelry that has a bouncer on the door, order a Pousse Café (the yolk of one fresh egg, 1/6 gill of yellow Chartreuse, 1/6 gill of Eau de Vie de Danzig, or Danziger Goldwasser).
- Enter an ophthalmic optician and ask to see the monocle selection.
- Offer to escort ladies across the road and assist them with their luggage.
- In a communications outlet, attempt to ‘upgrade’ a perfectly good Royal Exchange telephone to a mobile telephone.
- Enter an establishment offering “Internet chat rooms” and try to engage someone in conversation.
- Offer “gentlemen of the road” (hobos) not money – which they might spend on food – but a nip of cognac from your hip flask.
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13 Oct 2003
Yes, but is it something other than art?: Hikers Find 70 Shoes Filled With Butter
A Swedish couple hunting on a remote mountain Sunday in Sweden's far northern province of Jaemtland found 70 pairs of shoes, all filled with butter.
"If we knew who had done this we could make them clean this mess up," Alf Kjaellstroem, a province spokesman told The Associated Press Thursday. "It's not going to be pretty when the butter starts to rot. And we have to wait for the snow so we can get up there with the snowmobile."
He said there were 140 shoes of all kinds — sneakers, children's shoes, high heels, boots and tap shoes — each stuffed with half a kilo (1.1 pound) of butter and spread out in the landscape.
The find was similar to one done by artist Yu Xiuzhen's in 1996.
His exhibit "Shoes With Butter," was laid out in the Tibetan mountains surrounding Lhasa, China. Oh yeah, go ahead: something weird happens so you blame the Chinese artist.
"I've just discovered one hundred and twenty umbrellas painted with lard and buried in a pit of ear-buds inside a Holden Astra."
"Must be a Chinese artist."
You people and your Sino-ethnic stereotyping.
It's not going to be pretty when the butter starts to rot. That's strange - isn't that the title of Fred MacMurray's autobiography?
(Story found at The City of Floating Blogs. Those Haypenny boys get all the best tips.)
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9 Oct 2003
Hmm, I wonder how many times I'd have to mention Satan before the adbot (see above) stops directing people to Christian sites. Satan Satan Satan Satan oh wait, that'll probably just make it worse. Erm... Secular Humanism Secular Humanism Secular Humanism - actually, probably just as bad. Buddha Buddha Buddha Buddha. Velvet Spatulas. Mel Tormé's Brush With Martian Death Ray Wielding Vampire Lesbian Quilters. Ayn Rand And The Victory Of Plum-Folding. Toes. Smaller Toes. Toes With Masters Degrees In Renaissance Plane-Spotting.
OK, I give up.
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Arnold Swarzenegger's election as Governor of California clinches it - reality is sucking the humour out of me. For a week and a half I've been deathly unfunny, and now I know why. All the zany quip-meister cracked-perspective off-the-wall laff-riots that usually flow out of me like killer ants swarming from the mouth of a dead and bloated capybara* have been leached out of me and embedded in the real world. I am hollowed out by the abject stupidity of the objective universe. Do not ask for whom the squeaky-toy squeaks, it squeaks for thee. And by thee, I mean me, obviously. I'm going to drown my sorrows in custard and rum. I suggest you do likewise.
*See! It took me four minutes to pick "capybara" and there are funnier animals. Madness, madness!
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30 Sept 2003
The Power TeamEach crusade is a 5-night event (usually Wed.-Sun.) Each night features 90 minutes of illustrative sermon, Christian drama, and revival, as The Power Team communicates Biblical truths & scripture. They use feats of strength like: breaking baseball bats like twigs, bending horseshoes & steel bars, crushing concrete walls, rip phone books like pieces of paper and many other incredible power demonstrations. This is why I always go to church when I need any particularly stubborn jar lids opened. Reverend Pasty is a he-man! The King's Yo-menI was a nerd in middle school when God gave me the yo-yo. Through it He not only freed me from the chains of nerdom, he gave me a tool to share Christ with my friends.
Each of our skits are done to music (we never speak in the skits) and integrate the yo-yo to add a unique effect. See, now, our Satanic Outreach Mission have been doing these kind of demonstrations for years. Although, not so much with yo-yos as with kittens. Found via What Would Kofi Annan Do?* who mentioned the Yo-men in a post and then Jesse from JessePopp.com† made a comment asking Paul at WWKAD‡ about the Power Team and Paul made an answering comment which gave the relevant link, so, really, it was a team effort, and that's always important. * defunct
† defunct
‡ still just as defunct as it was at the beginning of this sentence
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A while ago I mentioned caffeinated soup. Barring the usual mispellings, the geeks are way ahead of me. Tired of waking up and having to wait for your morning java to brew? ... Shower Shock is an all vegetable based glycerine soap ... each bar of Shower shock contains approximately 12 servings/showers per 4 ounce bar with 200 milligrams of caffeine per serving.
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29 Sept 2003
That Colin S. Barrow is a fucking genius!
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25 Sept 2003
Apparently the Iraqis aren't the only people who have to worry about museum looting. When van Leeuwen's home was raided in March this year, officers were taken aback, discovering "in all corners of his house and in an outside shed and several large chest freezers, thousands of zoological specimens, including skulls, skeletons, skins and complete animal specimens in alcohol". I used to know a guy who worked at the Australian Museum in Sydney. He told me how they had a collection of clapped out stuffed animal specimens they would take around to show at schools. Occasionally, if bored enough, they'd go out to the staff carpark and play cricket with them - an ancient Sugar Glider would serve as the bat.
Apropos of that: for a while at the museum they had a live crocodile in a small tank. They started to notice that whenever someone walked past the tank, the croc would go into a frenzy. They had no idea why it was doing this, until someone caught the janitor savagely poking the crocodile with his broom handle. It seems this guy would spend a few minutes engaged in this hobby every time his rounds took him past the tank, for no other reason than because, apparently, he really hated crocodiles.
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18 Sept 2003
Goddamn Blogger. It keeps eating the archives, so I have to keep republishing them. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Archives, schmarchives - stop living in the past." You obviously don't recognise the unavoidable temporal paradox involved in such a remark!
Oh dear. I look to the world for inspiration and it replies - "Hey, Fletch, if you expect us to come up with something funny just because you can't, then we recommend you staple your eyelids to your forehead and get back to us." Yeah, like I'm going to fall for that again.
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12 Sept 2003
I don't believe anything I say. I express opinions solely for the pleasure of drawing people out. Then, knowing where they stand, and where their prejudices lie, I can either laugh at them, protect them, or entertain them as the mood takes me.
Incidentally, what I just said in the above paragraph also applies to my relation to the paragraph itself.
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