I bother so you don't have to.

Cthulhu for President "Why settle for a lesser evil?"

How to Dance Properly My colleague found this. He has the right priorities.

Rumsfeld Fighting Technique "You may have defeated my Southern Hook Palm technique, but can you defeat the 1000 styles of Rumsfeld?"

The Exorcist as performed by Bunnies Ah, the internet. The guys at DARPA must be so proud.

Men Who Look Like Kenny Rogers So very proud.

Baby Got Back in Latin "Domina mea exstat a tergo! My mistress stands out behind!"

The Melonheads The site of these Francophone web-designers features many pleasing animations but not their now famous version of the Beatles' Come Together which you should be able to find at this site until it gets slashdotted like all the others did. Don't bother clicking if your broadband ain't ticking. OK, I'm copyrighting that - hands off!

Mummy, Mummy, I Want A Fetus! I wonder if these plush-toy makers started this whole enterprise just so they could name one Cletus.

World's Smallest Website That's it's name, don't wear it out.

Having some kind of fun at bash.org, a collection of amusing quotes from the IRC forums.

<tag> Ouroboros: lets play Pong
<Ouroboros> Ok.
<tag> |    .
<Ouroboros> .    |
<tag> | .
<Ouroboros>    . |
<tag> | .
<Ouroboros>      | .
<Ouroboros> Whoops

With luck, my next find will be even more old-hat.

The Datadoctor (Some Swedish Geek Humour)

How to Defraggle your Motherdisc

...

Now we will the discs inside of the mother disc. Very often they'll need some force to come off, but if you pry gently with some datachisels, it'll will work out for the best.

...

Now it's time for the main event, the data defraggling. As You know, all "1's" and "0's" are small moveable magnetic figures placed in the disc. As our problem is that there is some kind of a traffic jam on the disc, we will now place them small pieces in order again. The ultimate way to go is to use an ordinary speaker ... Put the disc carefully on top of the speaker. Be sure not do any violent moves, we don't want the magnetic pieces to go beezerk.

Give, you f*cker!

The Children's Hospital at Westmead has been accused of an inadequate response by a woman who received an obscene and abusive letter after declining to make a donation to its charity.

The letter, which gave the incorrect impression it had been signed by the chairman of the Oncology Children's Foundation, Col Reynolds, OAM, was sent to Jillian Blake a month ago.

It was addressed to Mrs "J. F---face", a term which was repeated twice more in the letter.

...

Dated April 13, 2004, it read: "Dear Mrs F---face. Ten years ago, specialists at The Children's Hospital at Westmead pleaded with me to help raise funds for medical research."

It went on to invite her to support the charity and "double your chances of winning one of our fabulous prizes".

The Completely Pointless Personality Quiz - a joke

Bow Man - a game

Mandala - a doodling thingy

How empty your life would be.

Without me.

Yeah, I'm still breathing. Apropos of nothing, here's a report about Anton Chekov's book-signing appearance at Barnes and Noble.

“Hello, my friends. I am so happy to be here with you in New York City. I arrived in this country only last Sunday and your dynamic, young president welcomed me to America by inviting me to the White House and presenting me a gift. In Russia we have a custom of exchanging gifts. If someone gives you a gift you should have something to give them. I had no suspicion that the president of the United States would give me a gift and so I had nothing to give him. When I opened the box and found this cowboy hat, I cleverly realized that if I had a new hat I would not need my old fedora, which, as everyone knows is synonymous with Chekov. My trademark hat. I removed my fedora, signed it with my autograph and presented it to the president. He accepted in most graciously. I was feeling very clever. He then turned to his aid and said, ‘Put this on the shelf next to Putin’s signed hat’. Putin… Putin… Putin is an idiot, a nincompoop. I actually did the same thing that idiot did, and the other nincompoop did it first. ”

And a link to the Jesus Action Figure site. Have your fun, benighted infidels!

When people recognise me, I am struck with fear. Have I attracted the attention of the equally mediocre? Only genius is unrecognised.

Alcohol can make life seem interesting, and others seem fascinating. This is why it is associated so heavily with delusional disorders.

The scenario: I recently attended a dinner function wherein I was reintroduced to at least four people whom I had met before. I had spent at least 6 hours in each of their company at one time or another in groups of 6 or less. One of them actually remembered seeing me before and another almost remembered my name. A chap who I had met half an hour earlier when we were the only people in the room, and whose name I now knew as a result of said meeting, came up to me and said 'Have we met?'.
The question: Is my very essence that of unremarkableness? Am I a mere kernel in the silo, unnoticed as an individual and yet part of the whole? Is it the lack of the shared group experience? Or is it the alcohol?

I have noticed that people, once they have had one or two drinks start to find almost anything interesting. In this I am clearly at a social disadvantage, as I rarely drink. Perhaps this is why I have great difficulty with 'small talk'. I suspect that a blood alcohol level as low as 0.03 makes the most inane and limp jape, jest or jibe into comedy gold. I shall have to investigate this phenomenon at length

Ooh flamey!

The usual paltry selection:

A wacky business site - do we really need to go to this much trouble to sell paper bags?

Imaginary Girlfriends - all the self-validation of a real girlfriend without ... a real girlfriend

Foreign Leaders for Kerry - a site which once again demonstrates why "right-wing satire" is a contradiction in terms. Or a tautology.

R. Robot - the world's first self-writing weblog

Precious Moments Chapel - the Lord giveth in spades

The Architecture of Roger Dean - if I've only one life, let me live it as a gnome

Russian Nesting Dolls - a wide variety on offer. Apparently these were actually invented by the Japanese; yet more internet-provided disillusionment for yours truly.

Synonyms for Wanking - reasonably safe for work, but be careful what links you click

Video Arcade Rip-offs - more geek history

And, via Wonkette and those wonderful people at Republican headquarters:

The Best of the Sloganator

Once again, the broadband-challenged should probably avoid wasting their time.

Oh, and in keeping with our "motif" - here's some backmasking exposed:

Satan Has A Toolshed

That oughta hold the SOBs.

More Laboured Internet Irony

Hopsiah the Kanga-Jew knows history because his family lived it!

Hopsiah lives in the Middle East, where his ancestors and those of all the other animals and humans alive today exited Noah's Ark 4,000 years ago.

But unlike the other Kangaroos who hopped to Australia, Hopsiah's family stayed behind to witness the coming of the Messiah!

This is an extremely well-designed and professional parody site with a large amount of diverse and amusing content. It gets Quotidian Hell's Patented Three Bleats of Approval. Meah! Meah! Meah! Seriously, tho': do check it out.

And the usual chaff

Kung Fu Remix
Some Flash fun.

Vector Park
Some Flash strangeness.

Gum Blondes
Portraits made from chewing gum.

The History of the Yeti Penguin-bashing Game
This looks quite interesting. Read it for me and confirm.

www.thingsmygirlfriendandihavearguedabout.com
Things this guy and his girlfriend have argued about.

I'm so bored I'm checking a blog that I haven't looked at for months.

I am just full of conflicting emotions:
On the one hand I feel guilty for failing to check the blog for yonks. On the other I feel the conscienceless indifference of the parasite for failing to contribute. And then, having seen the large array of often amusing online resources posted to this blog, I feel a begrudging gratitude for a valuable source of idle time wasting activity provided free of charge by the finest human search engine for eccentric and offbeat stuff I know (the first among, well, one).

Hours of fun ahead.

I'm so bored I'm amusing myself with blogs.

Two Cows Redux from Brad DeLong's Semi-Daily Journal (2004)

Into Your Brains I Commend This Review from What Would Kofi Annan Do?

This is also a cool site, an archive of various short films including many old training reels from the 50s and 60s:

The Internet Achive

Not much use to those of you with dial-up. Hah! Dial-up losers! Loooooooooosers! I mock you!

When I get home, I will feel your pain.

A friend of mine once wrote a piece about his dismay in discovering the great work of Albert Camus and then just as quickly discovering the man was dead. I feel that way about only just finding out about this now defunct site:

Adequacy.org

There are a number of people who have opinions that don't quite fit the norm. Because of this, they aren't welcome in many places. This is where they exercise their right to speak, where the dreams of tomorrow take flight today.

This site is aimed at middle class white male professionals - the sort of people who have been sadly sidelined by today's victim culture, and the domination of homosexuals, geeks, amputees, racial minorities and Canadians, who have all risen up with their discrimination laws and 'equality' to sadly control the media agenda.

These people are not welcome here. This is where we make a stand. This is where we fight back.

This site is also squarely aimed at the marginalised of society -- homosexuals, geeks, amputees, racial minorities and Canadians, who remain in a state of oppression, kept down by the dominant white male patriarchy and by insufficiently rigorous 'discrimination' laws and the corporate media.

These people are welcome here. This is where we make a stand. This is where we fight back.

Controversial opinions, passionately held. We Are Adequacy.org.

For starters check out:

Is Your Son A Computer Hacker?

Is your son obsessed with "Lunix"?

BSD, Lunix, Debian and Mandrake are all versions of an illegal hacker operation system, invented by a Soviet computer hacker named Linyos Torovoltos, before the Russians lost the Cold War. It is based on a program called "xenix", which was written by Microsoft for the US government. These programs are used by hackers to break into other people's computer systems to steal credit card numbers. They may also be used to break into people's stereos to steal their music, using the "mp3" program. Torovoltos is a notorious hacker, responsible for writing many hacker programs, such as "telnet", which is used by hackers to connect to machines on the internet without using a telephone.

From Kids To Commies: The Truth About Daycare

The truth about daycare is that daycare centers are not the "caring, nurturing" environments that they and their defenders claim they are. Daycare centers are liberal slaughterhouses of the mind. And I can prove it.

Victoria, BC: Potemkin Village of the Frozen North

Geographically, The People's Republic of Canada is the second largest nation on earth, but its population is a scant 35 million. As 17% of the country consists of inhospitable permafrost and an astonishing 54% is untamed forest that the Canadians are too lazy to fell in the name of progress, 85% of these unfortunate, pale pink skinned savages make their living within 200 miles of the USian border.

Electronica: The threat to our youth

Fact: Electronica is designed to be addictive

A little known fact is that dance music is played at a tempo which corresponds to human brain waves, causing addictive effects similar to cocaine in listeners. No wonder people become so addicted to the "lifestyle" that goes with dance music; after several exposures to the basslines they cannot help themselves. This is especially pernicious when combined with the savagely addictive effects of the drugs teenagers are exposed to at clubs.

Particularly amusing are the comments left by people who don't get the joke. Or maybe they do get the joke, but are heaping irony on irony. I mean, seriously, do any of us even fucking know or care any more!?

Sorry.

And just to prove that we aren't only about the yocks, go to Online Visual Thesaurus, type in "light" and be at peace.

Who says FoxNews are evil? I say they're cuddly!


Sean Manatee


Billy-Goat O'Reilly


Otter North

Click critters for further info - if you must.

Hard Times for the Tree Octopus

Winnie-the-Pooh Will Bury Disney

A Christmas Story I Missed

Eric Conveys An Emotion

And we're done.

Another collection of hoary old links (what we have been amusing ourselves with, don't you know):

The Bastard Operator from Hell

SkyHigh Airlines

Let Them Sing It for You

Some Wacky Japanese Flash

Turkey and Gravy Flavoured Soda Shortage

Finnish Cello-playing Metal Band

Fanta Shokata

Hoogerbruge

Coffee-flavoured Steak

Website Mixmaster

Those Climatology Essays

Friends Wrap Olympia Man's Apartment in Foil

A Dancing Purple Hippo

Hardly worth stopping by, was it?

I also note in passing the adbot's desperate attempt to stay relevant:

Christians Online Meet other Christians Online Read Christian Articles and News

Pirate Goth Fashion Skull & Crossbones Gothic Fashion Tees, Tank-tops, Baby Dolls & More

Heh heh heh.

Rites that go wrong.

An entertaining article on the occasional pitfalls of Satanic black magic.

Happy Saturnalia to All Our Reader(s)

'Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la la la la la.

Yes, 'tis. Don't give me that look.

My colleague provides the following links, but is too busy with "other projects" to post them himself. People with lives - what egotists.

First up, the one you've all seen:

What a Crappy Present

CDs make Bad Gifts for Kids!

Someone who feels close to you is worried, and sending this email was the only way they knew how to reach out. So please, in the spirit of the holiday season, take just a few moments to reflect on whether or not you're planning to give a crappy present to a loved one.

And here's some examples of why you should:

Show and Tell Music

Hello and welcome to Show and Tell, a site that serves as sort of an orphanage for thrift store music and album cover art.

Pip Pip the Naughty Chicken

Here's a cute little Happy Home series 45 telling the story of Pip Pip, a young chicken who wouldn't obey.

And ends up burning in Hell for all Eternity with Satan and all of Satan's disciples.

It's cute.

Sound Effects - U.S. Air Force Firepower

Here's an entire album's worth of bombs exploding, jet planes zooming, big guns blasting, etc. All proudly presented by the U.S. Air Force.

These paltry examples give little indication of the glorious treasure trove on offer. The man who compiled this site is a saint, and should be remembered in all your prayers. If nothing else, the wide variety of Christian records featured reminds us why we should proudly celebrate the true spirit of this festive season, the multimillenia-old pagan tradition commemorating the Winter Solstice, rather than give up our trees, gifts, feasting and drunken revels for the drab and misdated anniversary of some obscure, johnny-come-lately Judean sect. Speaking of which:

A Very Scary Solstice

In 1988 the H. P. Lovecraft Historical Society published its first collection of holiday songs rewritten to include the dark forces lurking at the boundaries of perception. This year we expanded the collection to a full twenty-five numbers.

This isn't one of them. This is one of mine.

Weird sounds ring, are you listening?
In the pit, skin is glistening.
A mind-searing sight,
we're raving tonight,
crawling in a howling fractured land.

Happy Holidays, you slithering terrors!

Time to get web-religious again.

The Abston Church of Christ

This picture was taken from the top of one of the mosaics looking back at the nave. There were 622 minifigs in attendance at this service, and the church was less than half full.

Wow. No, seriously, you must click that link and see this thing right now.

Man calls cops about cannabis theft, is arrested himself

An Adelaide man called police when he found intruders breaking into his home to steal his cannabis crop, and ended up being charged himself, police said.

...

He was later charged with cultivating 16 cannabis plants.

"He was calling from underneath his bed," a police spokesman was reported as saying. "I don't know what he was thinking. Perhaps he was smoking too much of his own product."

Yes, very funny, officer. I would have thought coppers from the shallow bush grave capital of Australia had better things to do with their time.

Artificial Skunk Scent Used to Deter Crime

One day in May, the deputies took several small $15 tubes of SkunkShot and spread them around the building, which they had just cleared of the drug users and prostitutes. Several hours later, Lieutenant Mathers was amazed to find no one there.

Strangely, my mind is now full of visions of trained skunks pursuing the homeless out of city limits while their handler cackles "Chase them, my pretties, chase them!"

So no change there.

Ozzy Osbourne a victim of over-prescription

Week after week, people watching the hit reality TV series The Osbournes saw the star in a perpetual stupor...

The sight of the ageing rocker staggering around his mansion, glassy-eyed and mumbling, became a staple of the series, but Osbourne's disorientation was never explained.

It turns out he was on Valium - and Dexedrine, Mysoline, Adderall and a host of other powerful medications. They were all prescribed by a Beverly Hills doctor who, unknown to Osbourne, was being investigated for overprescribing drugs to other celebrity patients.

Prescription records show that David Kipper had Osbourne on an array of potent drugs - opiates, tranquillisers, amphetamines, antidepressants, and an antipsychotic. The singer said he took as many as 42 pills a day.

42 pills a day, eh? Of course, you'd need to be medically qualified to realise that was over-prescription.

Osbourne saw a Boston specialist. "He asked me, 'Where are you getting all these pills from?' Then he just threw everything in the trash."

At his mansion in October, Osbourne spoke and walked normally, showing no hesitation or confusion as he had on The Osbournes.

Sounds like "jumped the shark" to me.

Full story at LA Times (needs free registration).

KKK member shoots sky, misses

JOHNSON CITY, Tenn. (AP) — A bullet fired in the air during a Ku Klux Klan initiation ceremony came down and struck a participant in the head, critically injuring him, authorities said.

...

About 10 people, including two children, had gathered for the ceremony. The man who was being initiated was blindfolded, tied with a noose to a tree and shot with paintball guns as Freeman fired a pistol in the air to provide the sound of real gunfire, Sheriff Fred Phillips said.

A bullet struck Murr on the top of the head and exited at the bottom of his skull, authorities said...

... so no brain damage then.

Oh, come on, Fletch, that's just mean.

Fancy a pork martini?